Lord Of The Keyless Clueless

A new club for the incredibly vain and luxuriously senseless has wondrously appeared somewhere in New York City. It’s called El Bãno and it proudly hails itself as “New York’s Most Exclusive Nightlife Experience.” El bãno (Spanish for “bathroom“), their private website embellished with exotic toilet imagery alongside scenes of fine dining, is much ado over their “famous chef” and “famous mixologist.”

While this famed chef is famous throughout lands unknown for his culinary sorcery (his menu includes the “trifecta of Kobe beef, foie gras, and pork belly”), their famed mixologist is equally famous for his fascinating potions (including something called a “Tecate float and a guava sidecar”). That just about sums up all the fame and fortune going on down there at the club.

Few mortals know where this fanciful place is located because, like all fanciful places, it’s a secret that only a select group of beautiful dreamers are privy to. El bãno’s resident wizard told a knight-errant (probably named Parsifal) from New York Magazine that “if you’re supposed to know where we are, you know where we are” and the wizard said no more and vanished into the mist. Nonetheless, either through the words of the Sphinx or those of the Sybil (enhanced by a little help from the Holy Grail) information on how to acquire the “keys” to this particular kingdom is as follows:

To gain access to the club you must first possess a key. You see, first you go into a lovely little bodega and enter the bathroom with your key. You will see a bouncer in the bathroom guarding a stall. You give him the nod and he’ll open the door and a wall will slide open revealing the club. Getting a key is easy. If you’re our friend you already have one. If you’re famous or strikingly beautiful, you already have one. We make mistakes though, and may want to offer you a key. E-mail us, and let us know why you deserve a key.

New York Magazine (source for this and many other secrets) suspects a hoax, a mere publicity stunt designed to lure both elitists and the curious to the club’s gates. Nevertheless, this is just too much excitement for one lifetime. I don’t know what my wife and I will do if we fail to gain admittance into the marvels of El Bãno; things like this move a person into visiting the bathroom.