NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of “This is no way to live,” “What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,” and “Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place,” all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

While the evacuation was in progress, with traffic backed-up to every driveway and byway in the city, former Mayor (as well as moth-eaten Mayor of America and sham Hero of 9/11) Giuliani was found in a state of delirium on the IRT, babbling about the War on Terror and the NY Yankees.

The Office of Mayor of New York City was left suddenly vacant by the quickly departing Mayor Bloomberg who had left by private helicopter earlier in the day. It’s rumored that Giuliani may be in town seeking reelection as mayor; since he’ll be campaigning to an electorate comprised of one (himself) he might have little trouble winning.

Before leaving for an undisclosed destination, the furiously fleeing Mayor Bloomberg offered the following comment:

“You know what the greatest city in the world is?” Bloomberg asked reporters. “Scottsdale, Arizona. It’s clean, it’s not too big, it’s got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren’t fucking insane. This place is fucking insane. And by the way, that’s not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag.”

Read more about this “breaking news” story at The Onion.


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